Don't Eat That!

While teaching fractions I had the students divide a brown piece of paper ("brownies") into 8 pieces and then they were told to "frost" and add "nuts" to various fractional parts.

Student: Holy Cow! He has 2 HUGE nuts on his brownie.

Rinse and Repeat

Stolen from another teacher...

After a looooong bout of lice infestation the teacher noticed a kid scratching his head uncontrollably. She sent him to the nurse...

Teacher: Please go to the nurse.
Student: I know what to do. I've done this a bunch of times and we even have a special shampoo at home for it!

Direct Correlation

Overheard...

Student 1: Why are you so short?
Student 2: Because I don't eat my vegetables.

Pretty Please

During dismissal I was walking some kids in the hallway and up the stairs. We got to the top and I stopped them for being so loud. A student dropped her paper and it fell from the top floor to the bottom one. A boy asked...

Boy: Can I go get that?
Me: No.
Boy: Can I please go get that?
Me: No.
Boy: I'll give you a treat!

Wow...guess he's heard that before.

Boxing up your Children

Since Mrs. X is expecting a baby we were talking about things a baby needs...

Student A: Milk!
Student B: Diapers!
Student C: A CRATE!!

Ummm...hopefully he meant crib or else I might need to call child services.

Dream a little Dream

While talking about daylight savings time, I told the kids that we would be getting an extra hour of sleep, which prompted this...

"YES! I finally get to finish my dream!"

Grown

Overheard...

Student A: I am big enough that I could go up to the doors by myself last night. (It was Halloween)
Student B: I know, we grow up so fast.

Preach.

Again with the Age

While explaining centers today, I ran into the corner of a table and kind of tripped around for a second. A student yelled out...

"BE CAREFUL! Don't break a hip!"

Thanks...I'll be 28 in 2 weeks.

I Doth Protest

Our spelling pattern this week was "th" words. In order to keep the students from memorizing the list I give them 20 words to work with and then choose 10 for the test. One of the words this week is "hath"

Student 1: What does hath even mean?
Student 2: I don't know. I'm just an average person who uses average words.

Guess my poet laureates will be in next years class...

Ageless...maybe

We had school pictures today and a student saw me get my picture taken...

Student A: Why did they take your picture Mr. X?
Me: Because these are for the yearbook and in 50 years when you are 56, you can show your grandkids who your first grade teacher was.
Student A: Wow! If we will be 56, how old will you be?
Student B: DEAD!
Me: Umm, no I will be 78.
Student C: Will you still be working here when you are 78!?!
Me: I sure hope not!

Johnny Washington or George Appleseed?

We were working on our apple week projects yesterday and a student was making Johnny Appleseed.

Student: I need to add a dad.
Me: I don't know much about Johnny Appleseed's dad.
Student: Yeah! Johnny cut down his dad's favorite apple tree!

Keep Your Fingers to Yourself

While teaching a lesson on leadership I asked for good qualities in a leader. I got "nice", "honest", "listener", etc. Then I asked what a good leader should do...

Student: Well all I know is a good leader shouldn't show his middle finger to anyone.

(did I mention that my AP was in the room, along with 2 parents!)

Who's in Charge?

While at a student's baseball game I overheard another kid (not my student) say...

"Can you believe that call? Do they really call themselves Empires?"

Probably not but they might refer to themselves as umpires every now and again.

Text Talk

(overheard)

Student 1: I'm BFWOG.
Student 2: What? What does that even mean?
Student 1: I'm Best Friends With an Old Guy (BFWOG)
Student 2: Oh.

Guess as long as the "old guy" isn't handing out candy or letting kids pet his new puppy it's all good. Or worse yet, I hope I'm not the "old guy"!

W-A-T-E-R-M-E-L-O-N

Student A: Did you know if you say watermelon really slow it sounds like gullible?
Student B: Nuh-uh
Student A: Yes. Just try.
Student B: waaatteeeeerrr-mmmmeeeeellllllloooooooonnnn. See it doesn't sound anything like gullible!

Think he is missing the whole point here.

See Ya There

While dismissing student who ride the bus...

Me: Stand up! Make sure you have all your things. Stand Up!
(3 students at the very end are still seated and the line is moving)
Me: Stand UP! Before you get left behind like those who don't know Baby Jesus will.
Student: I KNOW who Baby Jesus is!!
Me: Good, I'll see you there. Now get on the bus.

Feeding the masses

A student came up to me this afternoon and said...

Student: Mr. X, can I tell you something?
Me: Yes.
Student: Well, my birthday is July 21st and I'm getting 10 hundred cupcakes so everyone can have 5.

Guess we will need to stop by division during our math lesson because there are only 23 kids in the class. With her calculations I have 2,000 students (some days I wouldn't disagree with that) or else the 23 I do have should get roughly 434.78 cupcakes a piece.

Yiving the Yife

I know I'm going to not-Heaven for this but I find 2 things hysterical.

1. Kids that have speech impediments
2. Kids (and old people) that say cuss words.

That said here is what I over heard

Student 1: What's my yast name?
Student 2: I don't know.
Student 1: Yook at my name tag. Now say my yast name out youd.

Obviously this kid is doing algebra where y=l

Sun-dried and Refried

Coming in from recess...

Student: Man I'm burning like a tomato...or maybe an olive.

Work it!

While taking each student's picture for future projects one girl came over and said...

"I used to be a super model so I know how to pose."

After which she proceeded to stick one foot in front of the other and put her hand on her hip.

Go on Girl! Work it!

The Biebs Has Invaded...

While teaching about short 'a' today, I asked for some examples...

A student confidently raised her had and said "swag".

What's in a Name?

School has started back and so has the craziness!

Student: Mr. X, do you know my daddy's name?
Me: No. What is your daddy's name?
Student: (dumbfounded) Daddy!

Mean Mom

Student: My mom is SOOO MEAN!!!
Me: What? Your mom is the NICEST person I have ever met!
Student: No she isn't! She was mean when I was a baby.
Me: How?
Student: She put me in the grass, NAKED! Then she put a cotton ball on my butt and a bunny ears headband on my head and took pictures in the front yard!
Me: Oh. Yeah...that's pretty mean.
Student: I know!! That's what I said!

Crypt Keeper

Since it is the last week of school (silent cheer!) we had a Read All Day event. The kids brought stuffed animals and favorite books. I showed them a Reading Rainbow clip and read some of my favorite books. My grandparents also came down and read to the kids. After 17 introductions of "This is my grandmother" one student still asked her...

Student 1: Are you Mr. X's mom or grandmom?
Grandmother: I'm his grandmother.
Student 2: WOW! How are you still alive!?!

Computers for Dummies

Student A: My computer is frozen!
Student B: NO IT'S NOT! You just aren't moving the mouse. Der!!

College Robbers

Me: Don't forget we have our reading test tomorrow. You may take you books home but be sure to bring them back. If you don't, your parents will have to pay for them!
Student A: How much is the book?
Me: $60
Student B: WHAT! That's crazy!
Me: Wait until you get the college, book are $160.
Student B: That's highway robbery!!!

Doing all the Hard Work

(stolen from a fellow teacher)

Teacher: Cut your paper into the longest strip you can. We will measure them and see who has the longest in the whole class.

She then started going around the room to measure...

Teacher: Student, help me measure your paper.
Student: Why? You are the one who wanted to do this!

Drawin' and Ballin'

My back was turned and I heard this...

"I LOVE drawing on my balls!"

I whip around to see a kid drawing on his soccer ball with a pen. Definitely working on singular and plural nouns tomorrow.

What a Man, What a Man...

overheard (from a boy)...

"If your man wants kids, you GIVE him kids!"

Creation: The Cliff Notes Version

Student: How did the world start?
Me: I don't know...what do you think?
Student: God sent some people down and they started having babies.

Sun rise, Sun set

Me: What direction does the sun set?
Student: TO THE LEFT!!!

Rhyme Time

Only in my class...

Spelling is Key

To celebrate Dr. Seuss' birthday we have had Seuss themed centers all week. Today I read Sneeches and everyone got a star to tape on their belly.

Later someone asked one of my students why he had the star on his belly. He confidently replied...

"because I'm a snitch."

Kill 'em with Kindness

The counselor came in with her "kitty" called I care Kitty. She uses it to teach various lessons and today's was on conflict resolution.

She modeled the "correct" way to problem solve. Say the person's name. Say how you felt and what you could do to solve the problem. a la...

"Johnny, I felt angry when you took the ball. Let's share it instead! Thank you!"

To end the lesson she asked "Class, what did you learn today?"

One student responded "To be polite when someone takes something from you!"

Moral Missed.

The Famous Dr. Cat

Since it's Dr. Seuss' birthday on Friday all of my centers have some connection to him or his work. I even made him our "Player of the Week" and filled out all of his biographical information.

After hanging the poster beside my desk a student walked over and pointed to the picture. 

Student: Who is that?

Me: It's Dr. Seuss. Remember I just read the poster to you.

Student: OH! I though he was a cat!

Me: (dumbfounded stare)

What's My Age Again?!?

Student: Mr. X you know what?
Me: No, what?
Student: You are overage.
Me: What? What does that mean?
Student: You know, you can drink beer or wine...if you want to.

Import/Export

Overheard...

(Caucasian student to a Hispanic student)

"You know, everything we have is made in China. They give us EVERYTHING! Except for you, you were made in Mexico."

Does it Matter if You're Black or White?

Since today is Feb. 1st, I began "calendar lesson" by asking what happens in February.

Students: Valentine's Day! Groundhog Day! President's Day! My Birthday!
Me: Yes! Those are all correct. Does anyone know what is celebrated the whole month?
Students: No, sir.
Me: It's Black History Month. That means we celebrate famous African-Americans. You know people like Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, all of those people.
Student A: (who is black) and ME!
Me: Well you aren't famous yet but when you are we will celebrate you too!
Student B: What about Michael Jackson? He used to be black. Do we celebrate him too?

Why are my kids obsessed with MJ and his skin color (or lack there of?)

Lysdexic

Me (deciphering a students spelling): You see an alligator? (spelled: alugabor)
Student: Yeah.
Me: Al-uh-gay-DOR. Do you hear a B or a D? (pointing to the b in his spelling)
Student: Uhh. I have a little Lexus.
Me: What?!
Student: You know, like when the stuff gets all jumbled in your brain. Lexus? or whatever.
Me: Dyslexia?
Student: Yeah that's it.

Praise

Me: Student A how many centers do you have left?
Student A: Well I just finished this so I have only one more! (raising hands and looking up) THANK YOU JESUS!

Crusin' the Hall

Our counselor had surgery and was out for a while. She came back a few days ago and has been using a motorized scooter to get around. She leaves it outside the classroom and just stands while she teaches her lessons. Today as she was wrapping up her lesson with the kids one student raised his hand and said "Bye! Have a nice drive!"