PETA?

Overheard (students talking about hunting/killing animals)...

Student A: Gross! I can't listen to this. I'm a vegetarian!!
Student B: Well, you're not helping the animals out any. You're just eating their food!!

Game.
Set.
Match.

Help Wanted

I had a job board/teacher helpers when I taught first grade, but I didn't really think fifth graders would like to do it so I didn't set them up. Well, I was wrong. They have hounded me for a "jobs board" for weeks and weeks and I finally gave in and made one up.

Me: Ok, here is our job board. If your name is listed beside a job, you will do that job for the whole week. On Mondays, I will change the names.
Student: I don't see my name on the board, does that mean I'm retired?!?

Would it be wrong to have an "unemployed" section? :)

School of Dad

Overheard...

Student A: I don't like school!
Student B: Well, why don't you have your parents homeschool you?
Student A: My dad can't teach me all this stuff! He can barely help me with my homework!

Sorry Dad, you are NOT smarter than a fifth grader!

Writing, Writing Everywhere

See if you can find the hidden "gems" in these excerpts. 

Working Words

While completing a series of vocabulary cards, a student came to me with the word "strained". One of the questions was asking about a time they were "mentally strained".

Student: I don't know what this is asking. I can think.
Me: Well, what does strained mean?
Student: I don't really know.
Me: Read the definition again.
Student: I did. I just can think of a time I was mentally strained.
Me: I think right now would be a perfect example.
Student: What? I can even think of anything, how is that straining?
Me: Just write it down.

Course Question

Overheard.

"I don't know why they call it Social Studies, we can't even talk!"

I'm thinking her "social" and Common Core "social" have a different meanings.

Drug Free

It's Red Ribbon Week. Our school news is run by the students with student anchors. Today to conclude the announcements, the anchors had this exchange...

Anchor 1: Don't forget it's Red Ribbon Week!
Anchor 2: So, yeah. Stay off drugs.

I like it. Short and to the point!

Excuses, Excuses

I can't claim credit for these gems that happened to fellow teachers at my school, but they were too funny not to post!

Teacher: Why were you late again?!?
Student: It was my mom's time of the month.

Teacher: (to parent) Why don't you put him on medication!?!
Parent: It could potentially lower his sperm count.

Not All May Teach

Student A&B: Mr. X, can we teach the class?
Me: Sure, we have a few minutes to kill between specials and lunch. Go for it!
Student A: All right everyone, sit down!
Student B: Let me have your attention! We are going to learn about vowels and continents today.
Me: Let me have the marker. You can't teach anymore.

A Little off the Mark

I love celebrating Baby Jesus as much as the next guy but this? 20th Century?

Ahhh the 80's

It was a time of unrest for some I mean, AIDS, big hair, shoulder pads but a Civil War?

Just a Simple Wish

Back to Nature...

It was raining outside so I opened the window and started putting our plants outside.

Student A: What is he doing? Why are the plants outside?
Student B: He's setting them free!

Anybody Seen Harriet?

While teaching a lesson on brainstorming, I wrote "Sports" on the board. We started brainstorming all the things we could think about sports. After a few minutes, everyone had just given me the names of sports. I challenged them to "think outside the box" and maybe come up with players, rules, equipment, etc.

Me: Who are some people who play sports?
Students: Ray Lewis, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, HARRIET TUBMAN!
Me: Harriet Tubman? What sport did she play?
Student: Hide and Seek

Well that is definitely "outside the box".

Knowing Your Audience

Student: MR. X! Guess what?!?
Me: What?
Student: I sang with my church group at the nursery home this weekend.
Me: You mean nursing home?
Student: Yeah. Where all the old people are.

Name

Student 1: What's your first name?
Student 2: (reading my name tag) It's X.
Me: Well that's my legal name but I don't go by that.
Student 1: Well what's your illegal name?

Hi Aspirations

I have been moved to 5th grade! Leaving my 1st grade babies was hard but I am looking forward to a new challenge. So we had Curriculum Night tonight and I met several of my new parents. While talking with my CST and another 5th grade teacher, a parent wandered in (early). She was very short and quipped a few things about "is this all" and "what are the highlights". So we were talking her through everything and then she abruptly stated she had to leave. The CST said, "You don't want to stay and hear about X's year she will be having?" to which the MOTHER replied, "No. Not really. I don't care. As long as she makes good grades and stays off the pole, I'm good."

Extra, Extra! Read all About it!

One of my former kiddos is now in a friend's classroom for 2nd grade. She is single and cute so I was ragging him about her being cute and did he think so, etc.

A few days later I saw him again...

Student: Mr. X, I told some of my classmates you think Miss X is beautiful!
Me: Oh goodness, you are spreading rumors then.
Student: Nope. I'm just spreading the news!

XXX

Mrs. X and baby X came to visit the room today and meet all my new little darlings. I asked the kiddos to say their name and one fun/interesting fact about themselves. Here is my favorite...

Hi! My name is X and I like Adult Films!

WHA!?! Time to stop watching TV with Dad!

6 going on 16

Congratulations to Max! 

(read the P.S.)

Rent to Own

While talking to a Mom, she mentioned that her and her husband were considering fostering a child within the next few years...

Son: Wahoo!
Mom: You're excited? Do you know what that means?
Son: Yeah! It's like renting a kid!!

Dude Looks Like a Lady

I didn't realize that Thomas Jefferson moonlighted. Guess writing the Declaration of Independence didn't pay that well...

Poor Alexander

We were reading and sequencing Alexander, Who Used to be Rich Last Sunday. The students had a paper with 5 sentences that they needed to put in order and then draw a picture to show each sentence. I read each sentence to them and gathered some ideas as to what they might draw...

Me: Alexander had no money left. So what could you draw for that?
Student: Homeless Alexander.

Nice. Immediate homelessness, maybe we should write the President and ask for a policy change?

Elementary School Vasectomy

Student: Mr. X, would you be mad if someone kicked your balls?
Me: Umm...excuse me?
Student: Well would you? Because he just kicked you soccer ball over the fence.
Me: Oh. I'll go get it. (whew!)

Kickin' It Old School

To help the kids remember how many days are in each month I taught them the rhyme

"30 days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31." (we discussed that February was just weird!)

I went back and asked if anyone knew what "hath" meant, reminding them we had it as a spelling word earlier in the year.

Student: Yeah! It's the old school way to say have.

Mother Lovers

While doing a lesson on Theodore Roosevelt I decided to have the kids make their own personal Mt. Rushmore's (since we had already talked about all the other people earlier in the year). We discussed how each of the men were very important to American History and that their personal Mt. Rushmore's show have 4 people who were important in their lives.

Several kids picked their moms with the following reasons...

"I picked Mom because she made me."

"Without my mom, I wouldn't be here."

Do You Hear What I Hear?

In celebration of Dr. Seuss' birthday, we are doing a Dr. Seuss Week. Today I read Horton Hears a Who. I told them to really pay attention to the book because they were going to be doing something that Horton had to do.

A student yells out, "Listen for hoes?"

I'm pretty sure he meant Who's (which is what Horton actually does) but you know, tomato/tomotto

Sick of Being Late

A student comes in and hand me a note excusing her for being absent yesterday. It says...

"Please excuse (student) on 2/27/13. She had a doctors appointment"

She then says to me...

"I wasn't really sick. My dad just woke up late. I don't know why he wrote that note."

What exactly are you suppose to use to trace and cut with? Then by the time you make it to the end, it just is what it is.

Secrets, Secrets Are SO Fun!

Stole this from another teacher's kiddo...

Here He Comes to...Cook?

Headed for the Home

A student brought in a 24 pack of play-doh yesterday and then a play-doh ice cream parlor today. I asked why she kept bringing things in...

Me: Thanks for giving me all this but don't you want it?
Student A: We aren't allowed to have play-doh in the house.
Me: Oh. I see. Where did you get this stuff?
Student A: From Santa.
Me: He must not have known the rules.
Student B: Maybe you told him but he forgot.
Student C: Yeah! He is OLD you know!!!

Target Run

While Mrs. X and I were at the park walking our dog, we passed a little girl and her mom.

Girl: Mom, you won't ever get me a dog! After we go to Target, I want to go get a dog!!

Papa, Papa, Paparazzi

Overheard on the playground

"NO! You are the paparazzi, you have to chase us!"

Clearly they watch way to much E! TV.

A Rose by Any Other Name...

While reading a book about a kid who gets a new baby sister and doesn't like her, I stopped and asked who had younger siblings.

Me: Raise your hand if you have a younger brother or sister.
(several students raise their hands)
Me: Who remembers when the baby came home?
(several students keep their hands up.)
Student: When my brother was born I wanted to name him Scooby-Doo or Jesus.
Me: What's his name?
Student: Carter.


I'm pretty sure I peed a little.